Growth Is Messy: Learning to Give Yourself Grace

💗💗💗

I feel like we talk about growth a lot…
but not always what it actually feels like when you’re in the middle of it.

So an important part of growing is also giving yourself grace when it gets messy. As I’m sure you’ve heard, the butterfly, when it’s in its chrysalis, literally turns to goo — all the parts that can’t move forward into its next cycle of life dissolve. And that is not an easy process. It’s messy, and it’s tiring and lonesome, and the list could go on.

And the thing is, when you’re in the goo stage — I’m not sure about you — but you don’t always have the awareness that you are in it, and that can add to the level of difficulty you feel as you’re going through it.

There have been moments where I was in the middle of something that felt like everything was falling apart, and I couldn’t see any version of it coming together — and looking back, that was the exact moment things were actually shifting.

But this is where the grace comes in.

Have you ever been in a season where everything felt like it was falling apart…
but you didn’t realize until later that something was actually coming together?

💗💗💗

I’m not talking about fake or surface-level “oh it’s okay” when inside you are screaming at the top of your lungs and upset and angry. I mean really actually giving yourself grace and compassion — meaning, in practice, realizing and assessing the actual ramifications of whatever it is that isn’t working out the way you want it to in the long term.

Sometimes it looks like pausing before you spiral, taking a breath, and reminding yourself that one moment doesn’t define everything.

Is this thing being delayed going to have an extreme impact on your quality of life, or is it going to be a slight delay to your plans working exactly as you envisioned?

If it’s the latter, there’s room for grace — whether it’s a mistake you made, a miscalculation on your part, or something out of your control, like someone else’s mistake, their choices, or their actions. Those are all out of your control.

💗💗💗

And I bring that up because when talking about another human being, put yourself in their shoes. Most people, I’d venture to say, aren’t knowingly acting in a way that has malintent. It rather, in my experience, comes down to a lack of communication, a miscommunication, an inability to resolve conflict in a healthy way, and an inability to sit with difficult emotions — whether your own or others.

So with all those factors working in interpersonal relationships, it’s no wonder there are so many people walking around being judgmental and critical. They don’t know what they don’t know.

If they do know and continue, then it’s data for you. It’s now a place where you can choose to give yourself grace for being open-hearted and not beat yourself up for believing that people were good and they turned out not to be. Did they actually turn out not to be, or was it just a snapshot of that person’s entire life based on their limited interactions with you?

💗💗💗

This is the grace I’m talking about — the understanding that we as humans are not monolithic.

We are not the same version of ourselves with every person we meet, all the time. And honestly, that’s impossible, because we are constantly receiving new information and responding to it.

That doesn’t mean people aren’t authentic. It just means that even with core values and patterns, there are always variables — context, emotion, experience.

And a lot of the judgments we make are based on our perception of what we can see, not necessarily the intent behind it. That doesn’t excuse the impact, but intent is still a piece of the equation that can sometimes be undervalued.

So with that understanding, does it really make sense to label someone as good or bad when you are only ever seeing a part of them?

Have there ever been times when you had a bad day or misspoke out of nerves and then beat yourself up because you realized, “Oh great, now it’s going to look like I wasn’t being authentic,” when really you just had a momentary mistake?

💗💗💗

Now, I’m not talking about lying or manipulation — and this right here is a perfect moment to mention that no matter how clear I am, or I think I am, some will read this in their own inner dialogue and interpret it based off their own lens of experiences.

Which is why having that grace for yourself and others is important.

Does there come a point when it becomes clear if a person is intentionally denying you the grace you extend and is intentionally being inauthentic? Yes, of course.

But I’m a firm believer in treating people how I want to be treated. And if I have mistakes, so do others. No one walking this earth is perfect all the time.

💗💗💗

The grace I speak of isn’t just for people we know, but for others as well.

And also, to be clear, there’s a difference between extending grace and condoning the actions of others. To me, grace means, “Okay, I’m going to do my best to see where you are coming from, give you the benefit of the doubt, and understand that I don’t know everything about anyone.”

With all that said, there are lines that should not be crossed. And when they are, it’s important to acknowledge the feelings — not stuff them down for the sake of extending grace. That’s not grace either, that’s bypassing.

💗💗💗

Because the thing about the growth process in and of itself is that it can feel overwhelming at times. But when we are also judging ourselves for not living up to these arbitrary standards that, in the end of our days, won’t even matter… wouldn’t it make more sense to help ourselves along the way a little bit?

There have been moments where I caught myself being so critical of where I was at that it almost felt like nothing I was doing was enough — and that’s usually when I realized I needed to shift how I was speaking to myself.

Sometimes giving yourself grace is as simple as noticing the way you’re speaking to yourself and choosing to soften it, even just a little.

I don’t know about you, but when things are hard and I’m doing all I can, it’s nice to look in the mirror and say, “Hey, it’s okay. Even if x, y, or z didn’t go the way you planned — you are okay. You are safe. You have your basic needs met, and you are healthy. That means there’s always another chance to achieve your goal.”

Being your own cheerleader is such an underrated skill that takes time to practice and cultivate.

And I don’t mean being sycophantic or self-indulgent — I mean being compassionate and understanding for when life happens and you’re feeling a way in the moment.

It’s about remembering that if you’re fortunate enough, you get to live another day and make better choices and learn and even grow over time.

Not everyone has made it to the checkpoints in the game of life that you have, or gotten to experience what you have.

And again, that’s not to compare yourself to others — it’s to bring awareness to how far you’ve come and grace for how far you’ve yet to go, while also adding a little gratitude to the mix.

💗💗💗

That’s part of the process too — learning how to meet yourself where you are, instead of only where you think you should be.

Because growth is already hard enough — you don’t have to make it harder by turning against yourself in the process.

💗💗💗